SpamSense

Hail to the Chef!

2008-10-31T21:26:00.002-04:00

As the Bush era closes and another election draws near, we pause to consider the impact of a certain former president upon our national psyche.

"Former President Bill Klinton uses Voagra!" - And I bet George Boosh uses Packsil.
"I never think I will help me that much mathematical"
"No awkward dooctor visits." - It wasn't that awkward until you called him "dooctor"...
"Soma - only now Clinton"
"Wanna drop 20 lbs on us?" - Only 20? Where can I drop it? Hey, hold still!
"We called you 5 times antecedent's denouement" - I don't answer to that any longer.

In Which I Have Nothing to Say

2007-01-29T13:06:00.000-05:00

"Better than robbing banks, and legal!" - that's good to know
"Dear Sir, i am interested in it" - isn't everybody?
"HGH - makes you 10 years young" - the first decade is the hardest.
"lime alienation" - when life gives you limes...
"supernatural recess" - I'll be on the metaphysical merry-go-round
"Your requested prostate cancer" - I'm pretty sure I never requested this, thank you.

My brain locked up... reboot

2006-01-21T22:36:00.000-05:00

My wife claims to have never eaten Spam in her life.

"ANIMAL GO BYE BYE!" Hey-ho, Kermit the Frog here.
"do you kids have the muppet show?"
"do you like jack rabbit? muslim" Now that is just wrong - throwing religious aspersions about based solely on someone's diet preferences.
"Injoy your Cartier that looks 98% real!" Do you have one that only looks 75% real?
"On organise is sack theorist"
This one may have been the "from" name on the e-mail. "Shawna Colon"
"this is an email" Whew... for a second I though it was sky-writing.
"yuor auccnot has been spnudesed"

But wait, there's more!

2005-11-05T18:39:00.000-05:00

Well, after a hiatus of several months, here are a few goodies hand-selected just for you. And apologies in advance for the first item...

"ALL women love a huge penis trailside mix" I like granola
"cheeky One A Day" You CANNOT be talking about the vitamins
"Compare your options for studying online for BA, BS, Masters" Like, the golf tournament? I thought that required practice...
"Do you like to smoke? Do you like music?" That's right, for a limited time only, it's "Songs of the Smoker", featuring that wild reggae smash hit, "Cough and Wheeze" (apologies to Whose Line Is It Anyway?)
"Go turnon by oracle poser" Sounds like a DBA insult
"Hard Like Rock get" Apparently Yoda writes spam subjects now
"It's time to Refill michelangelo" I don't know how to tell you this, but... he's dead
"Putting The Bull in 'Bull Market'"
"your life boring? well then become a cop" I just want to... SING!

Light Summer Vacation Reading

2005-06-23T22:44:00.000-05:00

"anonymous Bacticin Oral" It's exactly like generic, only more so.
"Are you satisfying your women officeholder emphysematous"
"He live my slumber sleuth"
"Re: you sing or hangings elude" I know some people who could inspire hangings with their singing...
"Similar loans vanish with our help" So much for LendingTree.com...
"Speciiial of the day" Ai-yi-yi
"Summer with Levitra Moses" As long as no large stone tablets are involved...

Your mother smelt of elderberries

2005-06-10T14:00:00.000-05:00

I love my spam manager... :)

"Don't be left behing- the enlargement revolution!...chasetarbell"
"Enhance your personal computer."
"Guys need this %RANDOMCHAR" We've already got one, you see. I told them we've already got one!
"healing power found in ancient crocodile" Apparently it ate it right before it fell into the tarpit.
"Hey Horton" Who?
"Make you life more easier"
"Re: i did it again" Oops.
"Your system want more, give it a cool shake." Now available in strawberry.

Medical miracles abound.

2005-05-24T18:35:00.000-05:00

"Get Energetic!" Only after my morning coffee...
"I found something!" You better talk to that guy from a couple weeks ago who had everything.
"macassar Merthiolate is a mix of Skin Moisturizing, a narcotic opiate" Wow, there's just nothing quite like skin moisturizer that makes you high.
"No more pain for your slow PC." My PC is in gigahurts.
"Professional Home Loans in 24 hours." My house is trying to maintain amateur status.
"Re: drool Sodium Silicate Miscell" Mmmm, tasty.

In a bad mood, are we?

2005-05-17T17:45:00.000-05:00

Today's spam post brought to you by the number pi and the letter pi.

"Are you a winner? come and prove it!" Prove I'm not a winner.
"DO YOU OWN A Computer?" Stop shouting! And yes, yes I do.
"Don't ever take a fence down until you know why it was put up" Deep, very deep.
"Don't go round the bend" Wow, even deeper.
"LowestRatesIn41Years. Don't you generally like cooking?" Thought you could sneak that one by me, eh?
"Please confirm everything" Yep, absolutely.
"Software 3000 disgruntle"

marble fish variable purple

2005-05-12T15:44:00.000-05:00

Too much spam and not enough time in a day...

"Also good like colophoned characteristics at unbranded cost!" I like my colophoned characteristics branded, thank you very much.
"ammeter watershed ball can"
"dragoon sunspot casey booty"
"Imagine there's no fat" No need for greed or hunger. I think John Lennon's got this one covered...
"Re: brutal IV Prep Wipes" The next time you're getting an IV, ask for the brutal prep wipes.
"We have Everything" I'm pretty sure I've got something around here somewhere...
"Wow soft tab now stricken"

It's too late now.

2005-05-02T16:09:00.000-05:00

Spam spam spam wonderful spam!!!

"Beat the energy game" Apparently I've been playing the game all wrong.
"Help methods in sex is as important as need of food"
"hot stock tip. News letter Simian _Savants <" What is it with spam and monkeys?
"PENSALO!!! THINK ABOUT THIS!!! ZLRVFIZIPW" Whatever you do, DO NOT think about elephants!
"Surpesfat dielrvey"
"The reason why more people is happy nowdays." Ignorant, but happy...
"Unlock Money Locked up in your house" Just in case you lose the key to your lockbox.
"You needed this" but not anymore.

Red alert! Shields up!

2005-04-22T11:13:00.000-05:00

"depress and over fatigue makes you FAT!" And being fat makes you depressed and over fatigued... It's a vicious cycle!
"Improve/Enhance your mentation"
"Men with gigantic engines kmiller! (fwd)" I prefer NASCAR.
"NEW: Male impotence party pack... OVER 80% off!" Woohoo! Print the invitations!
"No more waking up in the middle of the night & feels energetic in the morning" I hate it when I feels energetic in the morning.
"Stimulate your sex life! walk" Who knew that was all it took?
"Woww..8o% 0ff Galactic_bananna" mmmm.... galactic_banana....

I resent that personal attack...

2005-04-14T10:14:00.000-05:00

"Are you happy with your Impotence problems" Ecstatic. Thanks for bring that up.
"even UGLY guys can get dates" Gee, I wish I were UGLY...
"Having a bad hair day? Blame your genes" Having a bad fat day? Blame your jeans

Everybody loves monkeys!

2005-04-11T17:21:00.000-05:00

"Are you snoring yourself to death?" Well, if I snored too much my spouse might kill me, I suppose.
"Feel yourself living in cloud - land! Present day procedure of losing weight."
"Monkeys turned into workaholics" They should be done with the works of Shakespeare next week.

I'm confused...

2005-04-07T11:30:00.000-05:00

Wouldn't the world be much better if we all just understood one another?

"Be with a dependable provider and have best services" I don't even WANT to guess what they're selling.
"Smell gene may help ward off mosquitos" - though it never helped Uncle Ernie.
"Solve your debt dilemma the Christian way" How about the Shakespearean way? "Neither a borrower, nor a lender be." (Hamlet)
"With least possible expense to have best ever computer disc"

That's none of your business

2005-04-04T15:26:00.000-05:00

I assume everyone survived April Fool's Day unscathed?

"Jump the wagon of success" Have you taken your wagon of success off any sweet jumps?
"Success without leaving your residence" Why don't they just say, Be successful at sitting in your basement in your boxer shorts? I think I'd be pretty good at that.
"This Message is for Smart Investors Only!" Dumb investors need not apply.

Computer! Hello, Computer!

2005-03-31T20:02:00.000-05:00

More random bizarreness.

"Become one of the low rates" Doesn't sound too pleasant.
"Latest operation system for your computer requires less presently!"
"S0mething's !eaking inside your cOmputer"
"Growing company ignored by Wall Street" I diagnose social anxiety disorder. Paxil, anyone?

I forgot what I was going to say

2005-03-29T10:40:00.000-05:00

To make up for not posting yesterday from the 300+ spams I got since last Thursday, here are a couple of extras for your enjoyment. If I had to categorize these (which I don't) I'd label this post "generally weird crap".

"DOnt fOrget y0ur address" Don't worry, my mind is like a... umm... what was the question?
"Execute and maintain a reaction." I thought this one was funny when I first saw it, but I'm ambivalent now. What do you think?
"hot news flash..." Must be a reaction to the dangers of HRT...
"My V,!,C*O'D'.N ES are killing me" Mine, too.
"Notice anything weird lately?" OMG, SPACE ALIENS HAVE TAKEN OVER MY PC!!! Nope, I got nothing...

This film is not yet rated

2005-03-24T13:24:00.000-05:00

Wow, it's surprising how many posts I've managed to do without having something sex-related... Well, that ends today.

"Watch my Impotence receptors" I have no idea what this means - it just sounds funny.
"The day of recknoning has come." Are you threatening me?
"Altoids vending can be yours" Sounds like a good business proposition. What's the ROI?

America is a land of immigrants

2005-03-22T10:35:00.000-05:00

Apparently a lot of spammers don't realize that their largest audience alreadly lives in the USA.

"50,000 people and their families will live and work in the USA" I guess the rest of us had better just go back "home".
"Double Chances for Married People to win the Green Card" But you can't win if you don't play.

The truth is out there

2005-03-21T14:07:00.000-05:00

Tonight, on 60 Minutes:

"The Shocking Truth About How To Buy Rolex Watches & Louis Vuitton Bags At A Fraction Of The Cost" I can hardly contain myself.
"completely differed phram" I'm not sure I would even realize if my phram was completely differed.
"Experience the wave of super market on PC programs." Because every time I'm at Kroger, I check out their software selection...

Doctor, doctor! It hurts when I do this!

2005-03-18T09:55:00.000-05:00

I never wanted to be a doctor when I grew up.

"You can be a nurse or doctor." See above.
"Hey amigo- do you need a doctor." Are you asking me or telling me? Because my back really hurts today. Got some meds for me?
"King of Pharmacy orcg." Oh, king, eh? Very nice. Well, I didn't vote for you.

Hey, I'm in software, too!

2005-03-17T09:24:00.000-05:00

Happy Maewyn Succat Day! Here's some spam!

"Lone our firm could advise you another software merely at a small price."
"Nm Say nill to pricey PC program. Get ddiscount ones onlline." Does this guy have sticky keys?

Limited time offer

2005-03-16T16:14:00.000-05:00

A couple of retail-related subjects.

"Better prices this week only" Next week they revert to worse.
"Winter Special - Buy 1 and Get 1!" Watch out for the spring special, however - buy 2 and get 0.

At the risk of upsetting our current clientele

2005-03-14T13:43:00.000-05:00

For your viewing pleasure, a couple of highlights from today.

"Fully Up-to-date Viagra Pr0 --- the good founding of the modern year." Wow, Viagra Pr0! My modern year needs the good founding.
"Preview our upcoming monthly hot pick before subscribers." So what's the benefit of being a subscriber, if you're never the first to know?

Do you suffer from...

2005-03-13T21:11:00.000-05:00

I just had to share this one, even though I don't normally post on weekends.

"Accolate used for the prevention and long term treatment of asthma fist."

A blast from the past

2005-03-11T11:51:00.000-05:00

Just because I can, here is a list of some "highlight" subjects over the past few months.

"now that I am coot acid" I know you are, but what???
"NEVER BE SICK AGAIN!!!" It made me physically ill just looking at it.
This one is actually the "from" name on the message. "Toang Escobar". Now there's an interesting family history.
"Erika is the right man for the job."
"We are the best Jthompson." So far the best Jthompson I know is Jeff, and there's only one of him. Thank God.
"fly is really annoying with too much fat ignition." I just don't know what to say about this one.
"You can transform to the first individual for your girlfriend."
"Dell the medicines together If your medical doctor or dentist suggests." I hate it when people verb nouns.

Four for the price of one!

2005-03-11T10:21:00.000-05:00

Many days I only find one or two subjects worth posting. However, today (the inaugural for SpamSense) finds us with four.

"Award: We are waiting for your nomination." So I can nominate anyone I want? How about... me?
"We resolve to present you utterly new model of Ikepod wrist watches. Fantabulous discount for our clients." I guess if you're not a client, you have to pay the regular, non-fantabulous price.
"Hands up if you want savvings on PC operation system as well."
"Women change your life." Well, duh.